Martini Outreach Program

Maybe it's Midwestern politesse, maybe it’s having tended bar for almost seven years in a past life, but I find it hard to send a bad drink back. Worse than this is risking a bad martini. With the advent of every damn cocktail getting the ‘tini’ smacked onto the end of its name (even saw a ‘cosomopolitini’… what the devil... It’s a cosmopolitan), the martini is dying a slow death in some districts. I can’t get a good martini at a bar any more. Typical problems:

Bruised ice
The martini has been shaken so hard, it’s full of ice chips (severely bruised ice). I know this must seem like a ‘refreshing’ way to serve a martini, but it makes a bad martini that waters down quickly and is distracting to drink. I can only hope these bartenders' violent up-and-down motions have no carry over into romantic pursuits.

If a martini must go in a shaker, it should be held horizontal and rocked like a new born infant so that the gin flows back and forth (40 times) over the ice like a stream over smooth river stones. Your pour will be crystal clear and ice cold; no ice chips.

Bartender is unaware of what 'dry' means
An order for a 'dry' or 'very dry' or 'painfully dry' martini arrives as a chilled glass of vermouth. The new bartender assumes “It’s dry vermouth in a martini… he must want a lot of it.” Fair enough, I made the same mistake in my early days of tending bar.

Bartender is, sadly... *sigh* unaware of what a martini is
This may seem like small pet peeve, but it's an important one. A bartender should never ask what kind of martini I want.

They may ask what gin I prefer, or if I’d like an olive or a twist (for god’s sake, don’t ask me what kind of twist… martinis are not served with lime or orange twists, and they’re not served with wedges of any kind) or a cocktail onion (of course, that's a gibson when you add the onion, not a martini; but I'm willing to allow it, especially if you decide to have some olives along with it - heck, you're approaching a pretty decent salad at that point).

But a martini is a martini.

There is no vodka martini, though I know this statement does harm to some sensibilities. There’s certainly no appletini, chocolatini, passionfruitatini, cheddartini, liver-and-onion-tini or other ‘tini’ out there. These are cocktails and they have a very respectable history all their own; there’s no need to glom onto the martini.

All this being said, some time ago I decided to stop being part of the problem. By not ordering martinis, in my own small way, I’m ensuring martini tribal knowledge is not being passed on to a new generation of bartenders. To this end, I’ve formed:

The Martini Outreach Program
Reaching Out to Martinis in Our Community

Wanna join the program? Follow these practices when working with martinis in your community:

1. Bad martinis are respectfully sent back with diplomatic and kind explanations of the problem.
2. Gentle and discrete conversation helps new bartenders correct embarrassing mistakes and save face doing it (want a really bad drink? Be a dick.)
3. Good martinis are lauded with smiles, verbal gesticulations, and excellent tips. Don't miss that last item, true-believers. That last part about the tips is key to keepin' good martinis being made at your favorite watering hole.

If you’ve been putting up with bad martinis, or worse, avoiding ordering martinis because of bad experiences, join the cause! Help your local bartenders revive an American tradition.

Best bites,
James